knees and birds and knitting, oh my

Well, it seems I have a high-grade ACL tear in my right knee and may need surgery. The nearest specialist is a 2-hour drive, which distresses me, since it means I'll have to ask someone to drive me two hours, hang around for however long it takes to fix things (it's usually outpatient surgery, I read online), and then drive me two hours home. It seems like a lot to ask of someone who isn't family. I'm also inclined to protest, since my right knee doesn't actually bother me--it's the left knee that hurts when I'm going down stairs or trying to carry anything heavier than a bag of groceries.

I have an appt. with the specialist in a couple of weeks, so I'll talk it over with her.

Meanwhile, after a hot and humid week, it's cooled off considerably, and is much less humid, and sunny, praise be. A lovely day.

I finally got a suet feeder that I hope will be starling and squirrel-proof. It's your basic suet basket suspended inside a kind of cage. The idea is that small birds can go in, and big birds can't, nor can squirrels reach. The small birds don't seem to have figured out the going-in part yet, but I did see my little downy--whom I hadn't seen for a couple of weeks--hanging upside down from the bottom of the cage pecking at the strip of suet-cake I'd laid there to sort of advertise that there are goodies inside. I'm glad to see him again, and still hoping to see little birds inside feasting away.

And some of the finches have discovered the small sunflower-chip feeder I have up by the puppy pen. They sat on the fence while we were out this morning, not sure about using the feeder in the presence of the dogs, then finally took the plunge. That's exactly what I was hoping for, to have birds using the feeder while I sat on the swing when out with the dogs.

At last, my garage is completely painted! The son of one of our instructors did it. He's--let me see, he's a college sophomore, so he must be 19 or 20, and seems like a very sharp, reliable young man, who did a very neat job. Unfortunately the trim color is far more blue than I wanted, but at least it's painted. I'm thinking of nailing tin flashing around the bottom, where the paperboard is rotting out, and then putting clear latex caulking along the top of the strip of flashing to keep out water and critters. I asked him if he might be willing to help me with the windows, and he said yes, so that's a big load off my mind.

The garden looks fabulous this year, very lush and full. I've been taking pictures, just not posting them, since things look a lot like they did last year (except maybe the roses are better), and I haven't planted anything new. The blue spiderwort is particularly lovely this year, lots and lots of those beautiful blue blooms with the starry gold "eyes." I bought a few wave petunias for the driveway planter today, and may go out to the nursery this weekend to look for plants for the containers.

I have socks in process, and a lace scarf, but I wanted something a little less fussy to work on, so I found a handpainted worsted weight wool and have started another Ugly Shawl. This one is garter stitch, with increases worked on either side of the center stitch every other row. I have a solid blue I can work an edging with. This won't be very big because I don't have as much yarn as for the original Ugly Shawl, but it will be warm to throw over my shoulders on cold nights.

I'm reading Virginia Woolf. Lots of Virginia Woolf--I'm reading A Writer's Diary in the living room, Congenial Spirits (an edition of letters) in the bedroom, and Mrs. Dalloway outside with the dogs. I intend to also read To the Lighthouse and Orlando, along with the letters and diaries, and probably Quentin Bell's biography, and possibly The Waves. That is the most amazing book--it took me weeks to read it the first time because I would read a paragraph, or sometimes just a sentence, and have to put the book down to marvel at the writing. At the moment I'm wondering where my brain was the last time I read Mrs. Dalloway, since I'm finding all sorts of meanings and beautiful language that apparently missed all my brain cells last time. There are some books it pays to reread, because you always find something new and wonderful in them.

I survived my MRI

But it was a near thing. They did put me in feet first, but one more inch and I'd have been out of there. If I ever need an MRI on the top half of me, they're going to have to drug me. As it was, I spent 45 minutes reminding myself to breathe and consciously relaxing all the muscles I'd tightened up. "BREATHE." "You're not going to die." "Just a few minutes longer." "BREATHE."

It kind of helped that I could see the counter from where I was. I guess every time the thingy moves around to another angle, they start a new countdown, so I could see it go by in groups of 3-6 minutes, which helped, and I could also add it up in my head (once I realized what I was looking at), since he'd told me it would take 30-45 minutes. I also thought about the Ts and Stella and my mom.

Meanwhile, it's a sunny breezy day, and we're going to go out to play in a while (after I recover). It's supposed to get hot this week--boo! I vote for sunny and cool.

Apparently one result of the starlings throwing safflower seed all over the place is tht they're sprouting. My thought is that I'll get one of those weight-sensitive feeders that I can set for cardinals but not starlings, and then switch over to one of the no-waste blends (no hulls, so no sprouting). Not sure what I'm going to do about all the safflower plants, though. Round-up? I'm a little worried it might poison the birds, though.

I've got some suet hanging up at the edge of the dog pen, but nobody seems to have discovered it yet. I took the hummer feeder down. I might try it again later.

I thought I saw the indigo bunting at the feeder when I came home, but it flew away before I could get my field glasses to be sure. Maybe tomorrow.

birds and knees

There's a catbird in the neighborhood--I know, I keep hearing it--and I'm trying to lure it to the feeders with offerings of fruit, but so far, all I see eating the fruit is starlings. Since I'm also trying to discourage the starlings, I'm about to stop putting out the fruit. Although starlings aren't supposed to like nyger or safflower, and I see them at both feeders. I'm not sure they actually eat nyjer or safflower, but apparently they keep hoping, and they throw the seed around hoping for something better. Anyway I'm not sure how much they'd be discouraged if I stop putting out, but if the catbird doesn't come, I'll stop.

Saturday mornings are such nice birdwatching times, but this Saturday at 8 a.m. I'm going to be getting my knees x-rayed and an MRI on my right knee. Yay. The doctor is making noises about arthroscopic surgery. I'm not thrilled by the thought, but it doesn't require a hospital stay, and if they do one knee at a time, I ought to be able to manage the dogs. I'm hoping they won't make all of me get in the MRI machine, since all they need is my knee. I'm pretty claustrophobic, but I don't really want to be sedated--I might miss my favorite NPR show, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me"!

/

Almost April?

Outside

Inside

I'm having great fun with this sock, btw, but it has its problems, since I haven't quite figured out how to make the change in direction smoothly yet, so I get little holes. I try something different every time I make the change, so hopefully I'll get it figured out sometime in the 2nd sock. I haven't tried it on yet, either, and I'm a bit uneasy about how the heel will fit. But I am enjoying it greatly--seems I like doing short rows. *lol*

Oh yes, I'm delighted to report that I can now smell the cold-care tea I bought. It's full of aromatic herbs--peppermint, chamomile, eucalyptus, licorice root--and when I was really sick, I couldn't smell it at all. As far as my nose and tastebuds were concerned, I was drinking faintly sweet hot water. I made myself a cup yesterday, and I could smell it and taste it! (And as you might expect, it's quite good, esp. with a spoonful of honey added.)

Sick again??

This is getting tiresome. I've been sick again. This time it was a sinus infection. My doctor sent me home with an antibiotic and a sinus rinse bottle--not a neti pot, but something you can squeeze. I hope they work--it's been more than a week.

For a couple of days I felt bad enough that I didn't want to knit, at least not with size 0 needles. But I did finish my yellow socks

and started another pair, Susanne Kitzmann's Rainbow Socks.

it's done with short rows, and once I got it figured out--the instructions are a bit confusing at first--it's kind of fun.

Here's my adorable Mr. T. He is SO cute. I can't believe how fuzzy he looks here.

I tried to get a picture of Taenzer, too, but she wouldn't cooperate--she kept standing in the shade and wouldn't look at me. Silly dog.

Getting old sucks

I had an eye check-up yesterday, and now I get to worry about developing glaucoma, because I'm getting close to 60, I'm extremely near-sighted, and my eye pressure was 18 in one eye and 19 in the other (diagnostic is 22--they like to see it around 12 or 14).

Apparently all I can do to help control the eye pressure without drugs is cut down on caffeine--although a couple of sources say a 50 mg in a 200 ml (about 6.66 oz.) beverage is okay and the Coke Zero I'm currently drinking is only 34 mg per 12 oz. can (no wonder I never get caffeine jitters!)--and exercise--which some studies show can in some people bring pressure down by 3 or 4 points. I've got to start walking the dogs, I guess, and put some new tires on my bike so I can make little excursions (but I am NOT riding my bike to work!).

Because I'm so near-sighted, I'm also at increased risk for detached retinas--a 1 in 20 lifetime risk, compared to a 1 in 300 lifetime risk for people with "normal" eyes. My mother, who was also extremely myopic, had a detached retina.

He's also going to try switching me to soft contacts because I'm producing less tears, which is not good for hard contacts--it makes the contacts stick to your eye and cuts down on the amount of oxygen or something. But even though soft contacts have gotten better--years ago you couldn't get soft contacts I could wear--I'll still lose some sharpness of vision, and I'm only 20/25 as it is.

And to top it all off, apparently as you get older your pupils get smaller, which is why you need more light to do things like read and knit, so he's going to have to start dilating my eyes when he does exams, which means I'll have to park at home and walk to and from my appointments (although I'm starting to collect horror stories about how messed up people feel when their eyes have been dilating--maybe I should just plan to call an ambulance to get a ride home!).

So my basic reaction is just--ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Did I say I'd started another pair of socks? These are called Show-off Stranded Socks, and I'm using Apple Laine Apple Pie yarn, which I LOVE (I've got the old formula, which has more silk in it than the current yarn), in the Wild Thing colorway. The pattern is fun and easy, and the heel is different from any I've done before. I was making them for myself, but if they turn out (remember, I'm not so sure I can make good socks...), maybe I'll send them to my sister-in-law to try to cheer her up. They'd cheer me up!

Pact

Okay, a good friend sat me down and gave me a long heart-to-heart, and pointed out where I was--something I hadn't realized, actually. One of the insidious things about depression is that you get to a point where you really don't see how self-destructive you're being. You may not be taking razor blades to yourself, but there are a lot of subtle ways you can be self-destructive.

So I promised her I would do the following things, and I thought I would post it here to give it extra emphasis:

• Today I'll go out to Walmart (*gag*) and get a bottle of Centrum Performance (her recommendation) and rhodiola if they have it, and then go across the store and get some frozen Healthy Choice and organic frozen dinners. And some canned peaches and applesauce, and peanut butter and whole wheat bread. And some cheese and cottage cheese for lunches. This is to add veggies, fruit, and more protein into my diet. I actually hadn't considered how poorly I've been eating. (But I get to keep the diet Coke Zero and the chocolate!)
• I promise to take one T out around the block every day at noon (they're impossible to handle two at a time; my knees and back just can't take it). I chose noon because when I get home after work they both want to go out to the puppy pen to run.
• I promise to take the stairs from the ground floor of the building where I work up to the top floor (4 floors altogether) once a day.
• I promise to stick with this for a month and see if it helps how I feel.
  

Thanks, Jennifer. What would I do without you? I've always been fortunate in my friends--they're my greatest strength.

Meanwhile, please note, last week I mailed my cousin his mother's letters that I found, returned my sister's DVDs of her son playing football and her daughter in poms, and sent the two pairs of socks to my friend (and I'm happy to say the Lemonade socks fit--I thought I remembered that our feet were close to the same size). She promised to send me a picture of her dad wearing the tube socks--if he likes them--and I'll post it here. I also finished the Alpaca Lace Rib socks. That is a very nice yarn (Andean Treasure, by Knit Picks). I'm currenting making a scarf with a hood for a friend using that beautiful Cash Vera yarn. The pattern is very loosely based on the hooded scarf pattern in the free pattern section at www.lionbrand.com. I wish I could afford to make a sweater from this yarn--it's just as beautiful to knit with as it is to squoosh and pet in the skein, it has wonderful drape, and I suspect it would show cables well. Lovely yarn.

roof and taxes

Sounds like a book title, doesn't it?

I've been home today--splitting headache and upset stomach. And it's soooooo cold--I can't get warm (in fact, my temp is running in the low 96 range--96.2, 96.3). The Ts have been pretty good.

Last night I did my taxes on line. One good thing about being poor is you're eligible for this Free File thing--although I still don't understand why the heck the IRS doesn't have a direct-file, instead of sending you offsite to some other party which the IRS "doesn't necessarily recommend." That's trust-inspiring. Last year I used Turbo Tax, and meant to again this year, but for some reason instead of getting the short easy form it started waltzing me through this long, complicated thing and after about 20 minutes I just cleared the form and shut down, then went to a different site. Then I did the state tax. As usual, I'll get a refund of about $1k, and as usual it will probably go toward the credit cards--provided, of course, that the usual tax-refund emergency doesn't crop up. Yeah, you're right, I'm not very excited about it.

The insurance guy finally showed up today. I have to hand it to him--I wouldn't have wanted to be up on that very steep, very high roof on a day like this. He says they'll pay to have the chimney repaired, the north side of the roof redone, and the tree removed (the fallen part, not the standing part; at least I don't think so). He s aid I would get a letter and a check sometime next week. I'm not contacting anybody until I see the check and know what I have to work with.

On the sock front, I have about two inches to go before I reach the toe on the tube sock. Unless, of course, I decide I should make them 2-4 inches longer, to make sure they go well up over the ankle. If he has an 11.5 inch foot, the leg ought to be 6 or 7 inches long, I think, so that's, rounding up, 18 or 19 inches total length.

Not too cheerful today, but tomorrow is supposed to be warmer (35) and partly sunny, so that should help.

phooey

Or, as Nero Wolf says, "Pfui."

I'm not going to be able to get those hats made. My thumb hurts too much. How stupid is that?

I'll made fudge to take over, but I'm disappointed I can't do the hats. That would have been a neat surprise.

Just got back from doing On the Road testing for Level 4 with Taenzer. To see how she did, click on the Training Levels link there on the right, then go to Community, Level 2, and click on Taenzer (she's on page 5). Then you can look at her scoreboard and read our journal.

I'm at the never-ending foot stage with two of my socks--you go around and around and around, and it looks like it's about the right length to start decreasing, but when you try it on--no, you still need another inch. So you go around and around and around and then try it on again, and no, you still need another inch. Repeat indefinitely... At least it seems so, to someone like me who isn't long on patience!

Last night about 8:00, Timber jumped on the bed where I was reading, looked me in the eye, and went WUFF! I sat there and thought about it--toy? No, there was his ball. Taenzer? No, it wasn't a play-with-me kind of bark. "Timber, do you have to go potty?" WUFF!! Jumped off the bed, ran into the living room, ran back to the bedroom to check on me because I'm so slow, ran back to the living room... Funny boy. He's getting the idea of letting Mommy know he has to go.

It was about 45 this morning, and he was thrilled. He just loves cool/cold weather, and as soon as he realized I was awake he started pestering his big sister and they started wrestling. Then when I'd gotten up and taken them out, he played the jump-off-the-bed, run-through-the-kitchen-into-the-living-room, bounce-off-the-futon, run-through-the-kitchen-into-the-bedroom, bounce-off-the-bed game, with a lot of noisy wrestling with Taenzer, who stayed on the bed, in between. I love to watch them play when they're happy.

We got a new shipment of dogfood yesterday, and I decided to treat them to some canned green tripe, which is completely stinky and gross-looking but they think it's the Food of the Gods. Taenzer smelled it when I opened the can and started whining: "Oh, my favorite, please hurry, please hurry!!" When I put her dish down she got this blissed-out expression like she was eating ice cream or something, and for a change I didn't have to coax Timber to eat. It's supposed to be very good for their digestion and very good for their coats. It's probably even healthier raw (if you can get it from grass-fed instead of corn-fed cattle), but frankly it's disgusting enough when it's processed enough to be canned. They sure like it, though.

Annie ate an entire can of cat food yesterday, which makes me very happy. Now if she'll just keep increasing her intake, maybe she'll regain some weight.

Speaking of which, I've lost 15 pounds since the end of August, and I'm still the same size. Actually, I know why--I'm not exercising. If I would do some stretches and lift some weights and do some crunches, things would tighten up. I think. This 55-year-old body is way different from the 40-year-old version. And I've got another 25 pounds to go to get my BMI down in "normal" range. Ah well, I'm just happy to have lost instead of gained and hope it keeps up.

Stress strikes again.

I've been having a lot of stomach trouble lately, and have lost 15 pounds in 5 weeks. This in itself doesn't trouble me--I need to lose another 25 to reach a healthy BMI--but the stomach problems aren't much fun.


This morning I did some research online, and decided I have IBS--Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I'll spare you the list of symptoms, but it's often associated with stress, depression, and anxiety, which, as you know, are my middle names. The bout last night was probably triggered by worry over taking the van in Monday morning (maybe starter prob--which is actually pretty easy, but still, something I don't need--last pay day it was $400 on Annie; this payday it's the van).


It's a beautiful day here, so this afternoon I took the Old School Tie sock out and finished down to the toe, and cast on for the 2nd one (you don't suppose I might actually gasp finish a PAIR of socks, do you???). So I'm sitting there in the shade, swinging and knitting and watching the Ts, and because my brain is permanently sent on Worry, I noticed this:

That is a dead tree, leaning at a precarious angle over the puppy pen fence. You can just make out the power pole behind it.

As you can see here, the power and phone wires go right through the branches. The first winter storm that comes along is going to tip that tree right over, and it's going to bring the wires down with it. I checked the Forgottonia Light & Power website and learned that trimming and removing trees near and around lines on private property is the reseponsibility of the property owner. The last time I had a tree taken down it cost me $2k. I don't have $2k. I have no prospects of having $2k all in one lump sum any time in my lifetime unless I sell the house, in which case I won't have to worry about the stupid tree. I could possibly max out a credit card with a cash advance, a thought that doesn't thrill me. But I'm going to have to do something about that tree before I wind up freezing in the dark some day this coming February.

People keep saying you don't need money to be happy. I tend to agree with David Lee Roth: "Money may not be able to buy you happiness, but it sure lets you sail right up alongside it." Or at least clear some of the deadwood away.

socks and things

Two nights ago I almost killed myself. It's a melodramatic statement, but it's the truth. Things looked completely dark and hopeless; I couldn't find any reason to keep on, not even the Ts. I've made provisions for them, should anything happen to me, and I suspect they'd both be much happier in different homes. I was all set to go out and do it.

Why didn't I? Well, cowardice, for one--in any suicide attempt there's the chance you won't succeed, and will instead wind up seriously disabled. Also I was afraid that if found they would hospitalize me, and I have a morbid fear, almost a phobia, about being in a hospital.

And finally, I've been dealing with depression since I was 15. I've got a lot of experience, and if I haven't learned anything else, I've learned that if I can just hold on--one more day, one more hour, one more minute--the worst will pass and I'll at least be able to look up out of my hole and see a star shining in the blackness. For me the best way to hold on seems to be a book, so today I come to you courtesy of Rex Stout, Nero Wolfe, and Archie Goodwin.

Here are a few Saturday morning photos:

My sweet Taenzer. She's lying with her back against the couch and her shoulders against my leg. In this position I can stretch my arm out over her, like putting your arm around someone's shoulders, and she can put her head in my lap or raise her head to give and get a kiss. She's my sweet honey-girl, and the only GSD I've had who likes to snuggle.

Annie, in one of her favorite locations, indulging in one of her favorite--er--"activities":

There's no picture of Timber because, as usual, he's back in the bedroom in his crate. *sigh* Mr. Timber, Mr. Timber, what am I going to do with you? (Comb him for one thing; he's going to be a very unhappy dog later in the day)

Finally, many many thanks to Monika for declaring that she liked this sock and encouraging me not to frog it. I think she was right. I'm calling it my Old School Tie sock.

That short-row heel doesn't look like it fits right, but I think it's because I can't get the sock seated quite right because of the needles being still in it. Or maybe it doesn't fit right. *lol* We'll see when I get it finished. I think it looks better than a flap-heel would have, so if I need to I can tinker with the next one (er--provided I get to the 2nd one--my Second Sock Syndrome has been pretty severe lately, and that Schaefer Anne and Pomatomous sock pattern are starting to call my name really loudly).

tonight's question

So. Is it worth spending $75 a month on vitamins and supplements?

It's true I'm not sick much (hardly at all, except mystery flu once a winter), and since it's decidedly not my diet, the vitamins and supplements must be helping some.

Are they helping my mood, energy level, and memory (which is primarily what I select them for)? Good question. They all leave something to be desired--but I'm not sure I want to experiment with what they'd be like if I didn't take all that stuff for a month.

But it sure seems like a lot of money. Like, no wonder I can't afford bigger car payments!

I'm not sure I want to add up what I spend on Annie and the Ts, although I'm sure Annie is much more affordable than two Ts (which reminds me, I have to get their Sentinel, which I can only buy 6 at a time--or 3 months' worth--because the stuff is so freaking expensive). I've already cut back drastically on their treats, toys, and chewies. Maybe I can see how they do on Evo and canned tripe--although treats, toys, and chewies would be cheaper; dog food and cans cost a small fortune to ship.

On a happier note, I started another pair of socks. Yes, I know, I've got a gazillion pairs going. These are with Regia Surf (cotton blend) in those soft colors--two soft blues and a sand. I'm looking for a stitch pattern that will suggest waves on sand--not big crashing waves, but the ones that come sliding in like silk and leave the sand shimmering. I'm looking at a scallop pattern--sort of a feather and fan variation but without the YOs. They put their purl row in every 6 rows, but I think I might like it better farther apart. And I'm wondering if I can offset them... In the picture, the color is much closer to the out-of-focus skein on the left than to the ribbing, which isn't nearly that dark.

odds and ends

Naturally, did not hear back from the EAP person about an updated list. Quelle surprise. Looked on line and discovered the usual labyrinth of stuff--there's Magellan EAP and Magellan QHCP and something for AFSCME people--so I just said a bad word and sent an e-mail to one of the benefits people in HR to ask just what, exactly, it is I have to do to get some help. Geez. I know, they make it this complicated so no one will use it and they won't have to pay for it. Surprise--I'm going to make them help me. I can't remember the last time I had a week this bad.

Have been calm--possibly even smug--about the pet food scare, until the contaminated rice showed up. Annie's Innova Senior and the Ts Royal Canin GSD formula both have rice. I've taped the bags shut and ordered them grain-free Innova Evo, plus canned green tripe for the Ts and canned Innova Evo for Annie. Should arrive, I think, Friday; meanwhile, I've got enough of a bag of Evo left to last the Ts (I was putting it in their Buster Cube and Tug-A-Jug until I realized they're getting fat because they're not getting enough exercise), and I think I have enough canned to get Annie through, depending on how piggy she gets. But I can always get her Fancy Feast, which is, comparatively, not a bad food for a grocery store food (did I say "smug"?). The Innova is more expensive, but hopefully we'll only be eating it for 2 or 3 weeks, and this whole thing will die down. Hopefully.

As long as I was spending money, I went to Little Knits to look for yarn. Nothing really in mind, except I'd like to get some solids for some stitch-patterns, and a nice yarn for those beautiful Garnstudio lace socks. LK has a laceweight cashmere/silk that I thought might do, but I did some figuring--it falls somewhere in between Schaefer's laceweight Trenna and sockweight Anne (which is light for a sockweight), and I could use it doubled, but then I'd have to spend $60, and somehow even I can't justify that. So I sighed and quietly slunk away.

It's cold--into the 30s tonight. It occurs to me that the garden may be ruined for the year, but that possibly it will be a less buggy year. I hope so, since the freeze seems to have killed off the toads--I haven't heard them singing since before the freeze. Maybe they got their eggs laid and the eggs will be safe? Anyway, I'm hoping for fewer fleas, spiders, and mosquitos than last year.

Speaking of the garden--the brunnera is putting out some new leaves--I have my fingers crossed tight. Looks like the hosta will be okay, and some of the tulips are blooming (of course I now regret not having planted my tulips last fall), and the lily of the valley is coming up.

There's a hosta in the shade garden that's a volunteer. It first started coming up, oh, four or five years ago. I remember the first year it came up, one stalk only, I watched it and thought What IS that??? Because I hadn't planted anything there. And it turned out to be a green hosta with ribbed leaves that are probably 18" long and a foot across. I truly don't think I'm exaggerating very much, and to this day I don't know where the thing came from. And every year it sends up just that one stalk. This year there are *ten*. I had been planting foxgloves behind it to sort of fill in the space, but I have a feeling I'll have to find another place for foxgloves if I want them--maybe over by the house (they never did very well near the hosta anyway), because that hosta's coming on like gangbusters.

The striped sedge looks dead. I need to get out with scissors and pruners and cut back the sedge and the clematis and roses. (Henryii actually has buds!) And a friend gave me a couple of hosta roots I need to get into the ground. They've been sitting around in plastic bags for two days. I just don't have the energy to do anything, although I did manage to get the Ts out for a short walk tonight. Poor dogs; they haven't been out since Sunday. All week I've come home at noon and gone to the bedroom and laid down until it was time to go back to work, and then I come home and lie down until it's time to fix dinner, then I lie down again. It's been awful. And they've been very very good and patient, bless them. I cannot wait to get them back out to the puppy pen. I hope that grass seed sprouts soon!

some days are like that

Had a huge anxiety attack at work today--couldn't breathe, actually had heart palpitations (that's a first), Rescue Remedy wasn't doing its stuff. Still kind of recovering, not quite breathing easy yet. I am just exhausted; came home at lunch and laid down on the bed. A couple of people at work even noticed and asked if I was okay today, which is a change. Work is getting really awful; I dread going in. And I feel like I have no right to be miserable--after all, I've got a steady job with benefits, which is a lot more than too many people in the world have.

We have this "employee assistance program" that you have to call to get permission for counseling or they won't pay for it. I think. That's what it says on the WIU HR page and the Magellan page. But when I called yesterday, I did not speak to a "trained customer service representative" or " confidentially discuss concerns." I spoke to someone who was obviously tired of answering the same question 500 times every day and wishing she could go home (not that I blame her), who e-mailed me a list of local providers. While Mark and Alice were in class, I picked one and called. The people I talked to were very nice, but when they switched me over to the billing department (yeah, that's the state of our mental health system as well as the rest of our health system--gotta make sure you can pay before they'll help), they said "We don't have a contract with Magellan EAP." I send an e-mail back to the Magellan rep; naturally didn't hear back from her. Didn't really expect to. So I'll have to go through the whole song and dance again tomorrow. I think I may also send an e-mail to one of the HR people and tell them the story, along with the little fact that when I registered on the Magellan page, which you must do to use it, I promptly got a spam titled "Magellan Registration" from one of those questionable "all the medicines you need" outfits. Not exactly a total experience that inspires me with confidence in either EAP or their confidentiality.

I've got to get the Ts out for some kind of walk tonight, somehow. I willl be so grateful when we can start using the puppy pen again. So will they. Meanwhile I guess I should make us all some dinner.

Decided 2s were too big for the Ocean Moods scarf, so ripped it out and cast on on 0s. Worked away last night and got 8 rows done and then noticed that probably in the first pattern row I'd missed a stitch on a k2tog. Tried to fix it, messed up, ripped it out. Might start again tonight, might not.

Nearly to the toe decreases of the lace sock, and almost at the end of a skein, but when I tried it on to see where I was, toe wise, I decided they didn't look as nice as I'd hoped, so have come to a screeching halt there.

I am not, btw, ignoring the Blacksburg shootings; but I have nothing wise or perceptive to say about it.

dr. visit

Well, the good news is that their ear thermometer measured my temp at 96.7, so it's not all in my head; I'm not making it up.

The bad news is that I've gained 50 pounds--192. No wonder my knees and hips are screaming.

The other bad news is these guys are SOooooooo freaking expensive--this trip is going to cost me nearly $300. I might get some of it back from insurance, but I'm not counting on it. I could have had the Ts x-rayed for that and had some left over. She's a nice doctor, but sort of like a steamroller, which I react really badly too--it just throws me into mule mode. They drew a bunch of blood for tests, and I'm supposed to send in saliva for testing, and she's starting me on progesterone cream and DHEA, and I'm supposed to track my waking body temp with a mercury thermometer--I can't read mercury thermometers, that's why I have digital ones--for a week.

I'm just like--I can't afford this. But I feel so awful all the time, every day, I've got to do something, so does that make it worth it? She's testing for adrenal, thyroid, cortisol, sex hormones, and has me filling out a form for yeast infection (systemic--something I don't quite believe in), leaky gut (ditto), food sensitivities (don't have any, just a lousy diet). "If you're addicted to chocolate you're probably allergic to it." Hunh?

But at least she's taking my symptoms seriously, which my other doctor doesn't do--she tends to put them all down to depression. So.

I go back in 6 weeks. We'll see then.

Many Expletives Deleted!

Somehow I bounced two checks, which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made a double payment on a credit card, but for some reason I thought I had enough money to do that. Besides not needing the astronomical bank charges and besides the chagrin of having to empty out my savings account again, I was using a calculator when I made my mistake. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! god, I hate when that happens.

At least I checked on it before I piled up any more bank fees. I had this crazy idea that I still had $100 or so in the checking account, and I was going to write a check at the vet's this afternoon (going to pick up Annie's thyroid meds and flea/heartworm meds for everyone). Now it'll go on the credit card. *sigh*

Also made appts. to see one doc about my shoulder--hoping it's a small rotator cuff tear that can be healed with rest and PT, since I have a hospital phobia you would not believe, and I don't care if it's "out-patient surgery"; if you're not going to do it in the doctor's office, I don't want it. And an appt. to see a doc who works with natural hormone replacement and adrenal fatigue, in hopes of getting a trial of T3. This morning's waking body temp: 96.8 (no, that's not a typo--I meant ninety-six point eight). I got all the way up to 97.9 yesterday evening.

Current soundtrack: none; just a headache