Why didn't I? Well, cowardice, for one--in any suicide attempt there's the chance you won't succeed, and will instead wind up seriously disabled. Also I was afraid that if found they would hospitalize me, and I have a morbid fear, almost a phobia, about being in a hospital.
And finally, I've been dealing with depression since I was 15. I've got a lot of experience, and if I haven't learned anything else, I've learned that if I can just hold on--one more day, one more hour, one more minute--the worst will pass and I'll at least be able to look up out of my hole and see a star shining in the blackness. For me the best way to hold on seems to be a book, so today I come to you courtesy of Rex Stout, Nero Wolfe, and Archie Goodwin.
Here are a few Saturday morning photos:
My sweet Taenzer. She's lying with her back against the couch and her shoulders against my leg. In this position I can stretch my arm out over her, like putting your arm around someone's shoulders, and she can put her head in my lap or raise her head to give and get a kiss. She's my sweet honey-girl, and the only GSD I've had who likes to snuggle.
Annie, in one of her favorite locations, indulging in one of her favorite--er--"activities":
There's no picture of Timber because, as usual, he's back in the bedroom in his crate. *sigh* Mr. Timber, Mr. Timber, what am I going to do with you? (Comb him for one thing; he's going to be a very unhappy dog later in the day)
Finally, many many thanks to Monika for declaring that she liked this sock and encouraging me not to frog it. I think she was right. I'm calling it my Old School Tie sock.
That short-row heel doesn't look like it fits right, but I think it's because I can't get the sock seated quite right because of the needles being still in it. Or maybe it doesn't fit right. *lol* We'll see when I get it finished. I think it looks better than a flap-heel would have, so if I need to I can tinker with the next one (er--provided I get to the 2nd one--my Second Sock Syndrome has been pretty severe lately, and that Schaefer Anne and Pomatomous sock pattern are starting to call my name really loudly).
6 comments:
Hang in there---you are a wonderful person and I know things will get better.
I don't know what your particular beliefs are, but I'll share mine if it's okay. I've been told in my AA meetings that each person is created for a specific purpose. And that the people put in your life are put there for a purpose.
(But I'm impatient---and sometimes I sure do wish my Higher Power would be more specific and TELL ME exactly what I'm supposed to do right now this minute, though...)
And I'm tagging ya with a meme whereby you're supposed to tell 8 things about yourself....
I'm dealing with a son, who suffers depression for many years now. He'll be 22 this October. Just today is a bad day. He's so fed up with his life. It's hard to watch. I do all I CAN do, but I don't think it's in my hands. He'll work on this one himself, I can only encourage him. It's a daily struggle.
I still think your socks look great the way you did them. What doesn't feel right with the heel? I'm always tinkering my heels, no matter what kind I knit to fit my feet. No formula is perfect for everything. I hope yours will fit and also that you get the second one done as well, because those are pretty and should be worn. (once the heat's over of course).
Poor Timber, I wonder what his demons are. Our Biko does snuggle from time to time, but always when SHE wants it, then she can be so sweet. ;o)
If you'd like, you can email me anytime you want at rebelknitster@yahoo.com
By the way---gorgeous socks! Right now I'm working on some for a co-worker, Bonnie, and I'm doing the peasant heel. I just ripped it out because for some reason it wasn't "right". I'm trying something different. I actually added stitches to it, and I'm going to make it not as "pointed" as it turned out last time. Sigh...if only I wasn't a rebel and would learn to read directions....
Bo, I hear ya about wishing someone would let you in on the secret of just what's going on around here and what you're supposed to be doing. You,though--I can tell you right now that you make a huge difference in the lives of your patients, and probably to a lot of the people who real the Tales.
Monika, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. You're right, it's something he has to deal with himself, but I'm positive that having you there for him helps him. They didn't have a name for it when I started suffering from bouts of depression--I didn't get actually diagnosed until I was in my 30s--but my mom used to take my hand and kiss me and say "You look so sad--what's wrong? Won't you tell me?" I would have if I could have, but I didn't know--but knowing she cared helped, even if all she could do was hug me. I had a friend who, one time during a bad spell, came clear out into the country where I was livng--10 miles from town--pried me out of the house, and drove me to the nearest mall, 45 minutes' drive. We wandered around all afternoon and then she brought me home. She didn't make me talk to her or anything, but she didn't let *me* bring *her* down, she just treated me like everything was normal--and I've never forgotten it because you feel like people don't want you around--you're not exactly the life of the party when the tunnel starts closing in--and she went out of her way to show me she cared.
I wish I knew what was up with Timber. Sometimes I feel like my mom: "Timber, please tell me what's wrong--mommy hates to see her boy look so sad, sweetie." Like what goes around, comes around... And of course, I'm inclined to blame myself.
Actually, that short heel does fit pretty well, I think--at least better than the first one I did. I mess with heels and toes quite a bit--like I like a slightly longer heel flap and I round my toes off (switch to decreasing every round) faster, which means I start decreasing a bit later. I just need to make some more short-row heels to get the feel of them. This was one of those read-the-tutorial-knit-on-faith deals. I sort of dimly knew what I was doing, but not *what* I was doing--if you follow me. ;-) They're going to be nice socks, thanks to you and my sister.
Bo, thanks for the e-mail addy.
A *peasant* heel?? You mean--one you have to **graft**??? You rebel knitter, you. ;-) Good luck with it!
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