some days are like that

Had a huge anxiety attack at work today--couldn't breathe, actually had heart palpitations (that's a first), Rescue Remedy wasn't doing its stuff. Still kind of recovering, not quite breathing easy yet. I am just exhausted; came home at lunch and laid down on the bed. A couple of people at work even noticed and asked if I was okay today, which is a change. Work is getting really awful; I dread going in. And I feel like I have no right to be miserable--after all, I've got a steady job with benefits, which is a lot more than too many people in the world have.

We have this "employee assistance program" that you have to call to get permission for counseling or they won't pay for it. I think. That's what it says on the WIU HR page and the Magellan page. But when I called yesterday, I did not speak to a "trained customer service representative" or " confidentially discuss concerns." I spoke to someone who was obviously tired of answering the same question 500 times every day and wishing she could go home (not that I blame her), who e-mailed me a list of local providers. While Mark and Alice were in class, I picked one and called. The people I talked to were very nice, but when they switched me over to the billing department (yeah, that's the state of our mental health system as well as the rest of our health system--gotta make sure you can pay before they'll help), they said "We don't have a contract with Magellan EAP." I send an e-mail back to the Magellan rep; naturally didn't hear back from her. Didn't really expect to. So I'll have to go through the whole song and dance again tomorrow. I think I may also send an e-mail to one of the HR people and tell them the story, along with the little fact that when I registered on the Magellan page, which you must do to use it, I promptly got a spam titled "Magellan Registration" from one of those questionable "all the medicines you need" outfits. Not exactly a total experience that inspires me with confidence in either EAP or their confidentiality.

I've got to get the Ts out for some kind of walk tonight, somehow. I willl be so grateful when we can start using the puppy pen again. So will they. Meanwhile I guess I should make us all some dinner.

Decided 2s were too big for the Ocean Moods scarf, so ripped it out and cast on on 0s. Worked away last night and got 8 rows done and then noticed that probably in the first pattern row I'd missed a stitch on a k2tog. Tried to fix it, messed up, ripped it out. Might start again tonight, might not.

Nearly to the toe decreases of the lace sock, and almost at the end of a skein, but when I tried it on to see where I was, toe wise, I decided they didn't look as nice as I'd hoped, so have come to a screeching halt there.

I am not, btw, ignoring the Blacksburg shootings; but I have nothing wise or perceptive to say about it.